If I Were To Tell You
by morgangirl11
Summary: He was slipping away and it was her last chance to grasp at the relationship they could have, if only she could stop tripping over her fear. Could she make her feelings clear through one more phone call? This is the final part of the "If I..." trilogy and will make the most sense if you've read "If I Had Stayed" and "If I Could Be There." Starts at the end of "Undead Again" (4x22).


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I'll leave that to Marlowe & Co., since they've been doing just fine without me.**

* * *

Things had been screwed up between them for a while.

She wasn't entirely sure what had happened, but his dalliances with a busty flight attendant and an arrogant detective had made it clear that something was wrong. If she were being completely honest, she knew her own flirtation with Scotland Yard's finest hadn't helped the situation. Still, she was shaken by the idea that, after all these years, he might be done with the precinct. Done with them. Done with her.

It was time to stop being so afraid of what they could have together, though her rapidly pounding heart reminded her of all the reasons why she had held back. If she didn't find a way to swallow that fear, to reach out one last time, she was going to lose him completely. She'd been selfish long enough, certain that it was the right way to proceed, but it didn't take much to see that her plan was falling apart.

With their case wrapped up, she'd had to take the opening he gave her, admitting that she was in therapy. She'd carried it a step further when she had acknowledged that she wanted to be able to accept everything that had happened the day of her shooting. Something in his eyes made her keep talking, so she had confessed that her wall had almost come down and that she'd like him there when it finally did. They'd both covered up those serious seconds with jokes and smiles, but it had felt surprisingly good to have allowed a moment of truth.

He was leaving now, a zombie eager to get home to his daughter, but watching him walk away, even with the promise that he'd see her tomorrow, was too much. There was one more way to reassure him, personal censors be damned.

"Castle-" She had to pause for a deep breath as he turned to face her again.

"Kate?"

She bit her lip and let her eyes lock with his. She owed him that much. "Will you call me tonight? Please?"

There was no need to be any clearer about what she wanted, two previous phone calls between them having set an obvious precedent, but she noted the surprise that shone through his heavy makeup. It was the first time she was initiating it, asking him for another encounter that would leave them sated and gasping each other's names into their lonely bedrooms.

He smiled back at her and nodded. "Yes, I'll call."

* * *

Once she was back at her apartment, she did her best to distract herself; she sipped her way through two glasses of wine, took a bath, messed around with her guitar, and paced more than could be considered healthy. Dropping her robe in a chair and leaving herself bare, she eventually curled into bed and stared pathetically at her phone, willing it to ring. She knew that some apprehension would always claw at the edges of her mind, but she was ready for this. She just hoped he still was.

When his picture flashed across the screen, she didn't wait long before answering.

"Hi, Castle."

"Kate." Her name was no more than a breath, as if he were afraid to spook her.

"Are you okay with talking tonight?" It was strange to be the one asking that question, but after weeks of strained conversations, it seemed necessary. "I mean, I know we haven't spent as much time together lately, and if you had any other plans…"

"No other plans." Something in his voice made it clear that he had more to say, so she pressed her lips together and waited him out. "And maybe we should be talking about a million other things, everything that's been pulling us apart. Maybe we should sit down and have an actual conversation. Yell, scream, cry, whatever. I don't know anymore."

"Castle, I-"

"Shhhh, Kate. Let me finish. I think there's a lot that needs to be said, by both of us, but it's not going to happen right now. After our talk today, after everything you told me, I just want this. Us."

She was stunned by his honesty, a directness they both lacked when it came to anything about them. And she wasn't sure if it made what she had planned to say easier or more difficult. Either way, it was too late to turn back if she wanted any chance at moving forward. She still needed the safety of the phone call, a small way to hide, but damn if she would hold back completely.

"I want this, too. And I've been thinking a lot about what I said to you earlier. So, what if I were to tell you that I don't want to wait for the wall to finish coming down? What if I want us to knock it down together?"

His exhale was deliberate. "What exactly are you asking me?"

"If you were here right now, and I confessed that I'm ready for more, what would you do?"

Other than a sharp breath, she heard nothing from him for several seconds. Eventually there was some shuffling around, but his response took even longer; she could do nothing but tremble from beneath her cool sheets.

Finally, he cleared his throat and replied. "For four years, I've been here, waiting for those words. Hearing them would be surreal. I feel like the obvious answer is that I'd push you up against a wall, unable to contain the feverish need that had been long restrained. Grabbing, biting, demanding everything that you'd finally be willing to give. That I'd kiss you with an almost painful hunger, begging you to take from me just as desperately. But I don't think it would happen that way at all."

"No?" Relieved that he had comfortably started his story, she relaxed against the bed and closed her eyes to the emptiness of the room. In no rush, she let his voice stoke her arousal, keeping her free hand resting lightly on her stomach.

"No. It would be so much more tender than that, my gratitude poured into your mouth as you sipped from my lips. Our hands exploring cautiously, our bodies oddly patient."

"Slow would be perfect." Knowing it was time to reciprocate, she kept going. "I'd still be scared, Castle, but it would be everything I've wanted for so long. Our arms around each other, satisfying in a way that these phone calls can't be. The intimacy that would come from looking into your eyes, while still hearing my name tumble from your mouth. I wouldn't know how to surrender to that, but I would want you to lead me. I would want you to kiss me until I know that I will be okay. I would want you to show me that I'll be safe when I let everything go."

"God, Kate. I would do all of that for you, if you're sure you'd be ready."

Finally letting her hand slip between her thighs, she dipped her fingertips into the wetness that awaited her, far from bold, but enough to let her know how much she wanted him. Needed him.

"I'm sure."

The words had barely been spoken when she heard the soft knock at her front door; given how late it was, there was no doubt about who was waiting on the other side. She pulled her fingers from her body, set the phone on her nightstand, and grabbed her discarded robe, tying it as she padded through the apartment. Giving herself no time to think, her cowardice only a second away, she simply looked through the peephole and swung the door open.

His phone was tightly clutched in his hand, as if he thought holding onto it was the only thing keeping their connection intact, so she eased it away with a nervous smile and led him inside. Setting it aside as soon as she could, she turned to face him, her heart racing in spite of being calmer than she would have expected.

"You're here."

He nodded unnecessarily. "I'm here."

"How?"

"I called you from downstairs. After everything you said at the precinct, I took a chance. I just hoped-"

She had started the small talk, but she wasn't interested in finishing it, stretching on her tiptoes to quiet him with a kiss. Their lips barely touched, but it was enough. He responded immediately, bringing both of his hands to cradle her face, deepening the kiss even as he kept it just as gentle as he had described on the phone.

With their tongues engaged, she let her hands roam, tracing her fingertips up his back and over his shoulders. She moved them up to his face, mirroring his hold on her and causing him to pull away with a sly smile. It didn't take long to decipher his expression, as he took her hand and carefully slid two of her fingers into his mouth. The same two fingers that must have still held a trace of her arousal. She would have been embarrassed that she'd gotten that far with only a few words from him, but the mixture of lust and adoration in his eyes was enough to make her forget.

When he released her fingers, she kissed him once more and then clasped his hand in hers and took him down the hall to her room. Standing next to her bed, they couldn't help but wrap their arms around each other again, reveling in the ability to do so, to breathe in each other's presence. Her mouth found the side of his neck, sucking softly before she made a timid request.

"Will you keep talking? Keep telling our story?"

He ducked his head down to capture her lips again, opening for her quickly and swallowing her uncontrolled moan before mumbling his response. "I'll tell it as long as you'll let me."

She knew she'd have to stop kissing him if she wanted to be swept up the familiarity of his voice, but it was difficult when his tongue met hers again, comforting her just as surely as he worked her up. When he backed away, she missed the contact, but was eager to hear the words he had to offer.

"I've thought about this so many times." She smirked, but he shook his head. "Not just the obvious stuff. All the little things. The way I'd look down at your lips and know that I'm allowed to find out what they taste like. And how I'd find ways to make you tremble long before we fall together. The chance to stand in front of you when you begin to undress me, your thin fingers against my skin as you tug the material away."

At that, she reached for the hem of his shirt, intentionally letting her fingertips tease the surface of his stomach as she pulled it upward. With it tossed aside, she ran her hands through his mussed hair and smiled, leaning toward the warmth of his chest.

"You'd kiss me as you unfastened my pants and let them drop to the floor, then you'd catch my gasp when you'd slide your palm over the material of my boxers." She did just as he described, keeping her kiss brief, her hand pressed against him as he continued. "It's been no secret that I've wanted you for a long time, but the first time that you'd actually _feel_ that desire? Honestly, I'd feel vulnerable…exposed."

She looked up at him wide-eyed, surprised by his admission. "Really?"

"You're not the only one nervous to move forward, Kate. Hiding behind hypotheticals has worked well for both of us."

Guilt over her own self-centeredness bubbled inside her, but she pushed it back down, knowing that they both had a lot of learning to do. For now, she'd just have to reassure him while she allowed him to give that same gift back to her. She began to stroke him unhurriedly and gathered the strength to join the storytelling.

"There have been so many nights that I've gotten out of the bath and wrapped myself in this robe, just to look down and imagine your hands untying it. I would see it so clearly, the way your hands would hesitate at my shoulders, making sure that I was okay with what you were about to do. I'd give you the slightest nod and you'd push the fabric down my arms until it slipped from my body entirely."

He nudged her hand away from his body so that he could focus on the shy words spilling from her mouth. Once he'd untied the robe and let it fall open, he trailed a fingertip down her exposed sternum, finding her scar even as he stared into her eyes. He leaned down to kiss her again, and she felt all of his apologies and promises pass from his lips to hers. She was grateful that he didn't linger there for long, choosing to follow through with what he had started, pushing her robe aside and leaving her naked in front of him.

"Don't get me wrong, Kate. I've always known how beautiful you are, and that seeing your body like this would be amazing, but it hasn't really been about that since our first case."

"So what's it about?"

He smiled, even as his words remained serious. "Your willingness to let me see you at all."

As she absorbed that, he managed to kick away his shoes, socks, and pants. Then she brought her hands to the waistband of his boxers and looked up at him. "Any thoughts about this moment?"

"Too many, probably. You'd carefully ease my boxers away and I'd step out of them, catching your eyes just before they flicked downward. When you palmed me again, no barrier separating us this time, I'd take a deep breath and just let myself feel the warmth of your hand. You'd wrap your fingers around me and take your time getting familiar with my reactions to your touch, varying the pressure, pulling back to tease me with the tiniest scratch of your nails, brushing your thumb across my tip until I flinched from the sensation."

She followed everywhere he led, pausing when he did. "Would you want me to drop to my knees, explore everything with my mouth?"

"Is that a trick question?" He laughed, but shook his head. "Actually, no, I wouldn't want that. I mean, I would really, _really_ want that, but not yet. Not now. I'd just want you to keep using your hands, gliding them all over my body in a way that would probably drive me mad."

Releasing him, she let her hands slide over his stomach and to his chest, placing open-mouthed kisses against his skin as she let her fingertips skate across his nipples, noting the subtle shiver he offered in response. She moved over his shoulders and clawed her way down his back, finally settling on the ass she'd admired for years. She wasn't particularly gentle when she pressed her hips into his, suddenly needing any hint of contact she could find; he noted her urgency and found her mouth for another deep, lazy kiss, slowing her down even as they began to rub against each other.

Eventually he helped ease her onto the bed, his weight anchoring her to the mattress while she floated into their kiss. Her body arched into his when he pulled away, looking down at her curiously.

"Have you thought about this, too? About me doing more than untying your robe? About what you would want now?"

It was incredible that after all this time he still had no idea how often, aside from the two obvious times, she had come with images of him in her head and his name on her lips.

"All the time. Probably long before I had any right to."

His tongue traced a delicate line just below her jaw, an involuntary tremor travelling the length of her body when he reached her ear.

"Will you talk me through it?"

As much as she wanted to, she wasn't entirely sure she'd be able. Her surging arousal was already strangling rational thought, and putting her fantasies into words seemed impossible. While she struggled to respond, he sucked on the soft skin of her neck, leaving there only to work his way over her collarbone and down to her breasts. There he waited, looking up at her with quiet eyes.

"You'd lightly brush your fingers over my nipples and find that they're terribly sensitive to your touch. Then you'd cup my entire breast, watching me carefully as you increased the pressure from your hand, lowering your head to take a nipple into your mouth. You'd tease it with your tongue until I whispered for you to give me more, needing you to be rougher with me."

She wondered if that admission was too much, but he eagerly met her challenge and she continued.

"Eventually you'd move away, kissing across my abdomen and then nipping at the curve of my waist with your teeth, your hands holding my hips as I fought to stay still beneath you."

"Would I get to taste you, Kate?"

The way she arched off the bed was probably answer enough, but she still managed to nod.

"Tell me."

"Castle…"

He noted the small whine in her voice and smiled up at her. "You don't have to if you don't want to. I can take over from here." He slid down to kiss the inside of her thigh. "But if you're comfortable enough, I'd really love to hear what you've imagined. How I would make you come with my mouth."

Her legs were spread further apart by his gentle hands and she gasped when his breath tickled her skin; the knowledge that he was so close, could see how wet he'd made her, was enough to make her talk.

"There'd be no teasing. Not the first time." She felt him laugh against her. "No, not because I can't handle it or because I don't like that. I would just need you so much, and I hope that you would need me, too. So I'd want you to be forceful and tender, using your lips and tongue against me without reservation as you held me open. I would be able to feel the tip of your nose, the scruff on your chin, and the hint of what I'd get soon enough when you'd dip your tongue inside me. You'd pull back and let your mouth roam, discovering each spot that makes me writhe, and you'd have to drape an arm across my waist. It would all feel amazing, even the restraint, but I'd beg you for more, so you'd move up to my clit and take it between your lips. My hands would be on the back of your head, trying desperately to avoid pushing you further into me, but needing you to know how close I would be to coming when you sucked on me like that. My words would be gone, beyond an incoherent chant of your name and a handful of expletives, and I'd accept my body's need. Please, Castle. Please make me come."

She closed her eyes and let her request hover in the charged air. He didn't disappoint. When she cried out her release, he never stopped, choosing instead to simply slow down and ease the pressure against her. It wasn't until the trembling had dissipated that she felt him crawl back up her body, looking down at her with dark eyes that might never stop showering her with love. She pulled him closer so that she could kiss him with just some of the emotion humming under her skin. He was careful to brace himself above her, but she wrapped her arms around him insistently, craving his weight on top of her.

"Talk to me, Castle. What would happen next?" Her question was unnecessary, and barely a mumble between their lips, but he answered with his deliciously low voice.

"I'd need to be inside you." She couldn't contain her long moan, a plea for that final connection. "I'd use my knees to nudge your legs apart, keeping the rest of my body as close to yours as possible, and I'd reach down to guide myself to where your body still wept. Positioned there, barely pushing against you, I'd bring my hand up to your face and make sure I could look into your eyes during that first slide into your body. You'd want to close them, your fears lingering in spite of everything, but I'd remind you that you're safe with me."

"I'm learning. Just keep teaching me."

His mouth was against hers in an instant, open and fierce, as if he could swallow all her doubts. For several moments, they ignored the fact that he was buried deep inside her, choosing to let their kiss bring them together just as intensely as anything else could. When he finally broke away, he rose up on his arms and began to pump into her.

"Look down at us, Kate. Watch the way your body welcomes mine. There's no struggle there at all, just an eagerness to be filled with something I can bring to you."

They were both done with the fantasies, finally ready to focus on everything real. She managed to support herself on her elbows and see the intimacy playing out between them, tightening against him in response.

He kept his pace steady while he continued to encourage her. "Listen to the sounds we make. Everything from the wet rhythm of your arousal along my length to the shuddering breaths we take in between accidental gasps of pleasure. Reach down and feel how perfectly we fit together, four years of friendship finally becoming more."

The slickness that coated her fingertips as she glided over her clit and touched him on each smooth stroke was stunning to her; while she'd had lots of wonderful experiences in bed, the heightened awareness that came with his words had opened her up something entirely new. She fell back to the mattress and shivered.

"It really is perfect."

When he suddenly withdrew from her completely, she looked up at him, surprised and unable to stop the whimper that slipped from her lips. Silently, he helped her roll over onto her stomach, keeping her body pressed against the sheets, her head turned sideways as it rested flat on the bed. She felt one of his strong hands travel from the nape of her neck to her tailbone before he skimmed the curve of her ass and opened her legs just enough so that he could fit between them.

Aware of what he needed, she raised her hips slightly and allowed him to thrust into her once more, before they slowly lowered themselves together. The new position made everything even tighter, each slide of his body relatively shallow, but hitting her at an angle that many men failed to find at all. With him blanketing her, she was grounded, free to focus on each incredible sensation while he spoke quietly against her ear.

"You are so wet right now. You're hot and needy and contracting around me as if you will never let go." He sped up, rocking into her with increasing force while he licked and sucked at her neck, bit her shoulder. She had no idea how he was still coherent; she was gone. "I want this to last forever, but I'm too close, too lost in what your body is doing to me. I'm going to make you come one more time for me, so that I can finally give you everything I have."

One of his hands slid under her hips in the next moment, giving her something more solid to grind upon as he continued to push into her from behind. His other found her breast and roughly cupped her, eventually pinching her nipple and making wonderful use of the knowledge he'd gained earlier. Given the closeness of their bodies, neither could move much, but they didn't need to. They simply rocked together until she choked out a few breathless words.

"I'm so close."

"Oh, Kate. I love you so, so much. Please let me feel you come."

It had been almost a year since he'd first made that admission and she'd longed to hear it ever since, even while being terrified of what it meant for them. But now, with him draped over her back and his face tucked against her neck, their bodies as close as any two could be, she let those words push her over the edge.

Her cries were muffled by the bed as she turned face down and opened her mouth against the soft cotton sheet. She'd frozen, every muscle locked, but he continued to stroke back and forth, drawing out her orgasm as the warmth rocketed through her lower body. She wanted to say something, beg him to come too, but the words wouldn't form around her incessant moaning.

He didn't need them anyway.

When he groaned her name and jerked sloppily against her, she closed her eyes and imagined the way he was spilling into her, her clenching body holding him deep and asking for more. The graphic image sent another small wave through her core, making them both swear into the otherwise silent room.

They stayed there for quite a while, unconcerned with the way their sweat-slicked bodies were bound, simply finding each other's heartbeats and waiting for them to slow together. He nuzzled his face in her hair and whispered nonsense, and she twisted around enough to kiss him lazily until they were ready to slip apart.

He finally lifted himself off her and shifted to her side; she rolled slightly so that she could face him. His hair was flopped adorably across his forehead and she reached up to brush it aside, trailing her fingers down the side of her face as she looked at him with an honesty that was still new to her. This was it, everything she worked toward for so long, and there was only one thing left to say.

"I love you, too."

* * *

A/N: Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoyed this little journey. I really do appreciate the continued support as I play with these characters.


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